I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
