so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
