I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
