My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
