I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
