Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
