Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
