he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
