I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
