Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
