I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
