so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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