would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
