I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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