you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He did a backflip because drugs
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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