she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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