my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I deserve this hangover.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
