I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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