I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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