I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
