Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
