we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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