My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
