So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
