So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
