So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
