Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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