if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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