hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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