There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
