I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
