captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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