Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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