He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
