what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
