we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
