I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she looked like the before picture.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
