I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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