1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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