Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
