I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
