So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
