I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
