watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
