OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
