okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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