Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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