It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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