Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
