he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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