Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
