omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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