I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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