He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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