I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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