Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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