You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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