It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
